First Catch Your Rogue - 24

 

Once you've caught him, deter him from leaving

I found that confiscating a guy's shorts is just as effective as using physical restraint.

But getting him out of them wasn't that easy, as you might imagine......

 

 

He was full of swagger at first, acting like he owned the place.

 

I'd surprised him creeping round my house in the middle of the night and he was still thinking he could leave whenever he wanted. That was in spite of the fact that he'd already made a run for it and discovered that the open window he'd come in through so easily was now firmly closed and locked - and that the glass was virtually unbreakable. Unless you had a sledgehammer, which, understandably, he hadn't thought to bring with him. Another panic dash to the door revealed it was locked too, even though I'd just walked in through it. The wonders of electronics eh?

 

I sat him down and we had a long chat. I explained that I'd triggered the expensive security system to seal every entrance and exit. It had also alerted the Police, but things being what they are these days it might be a while before they turned up, so we just had to wait for them. I was in no hurry, though, I thought it was pretty cool having this chunky young man for company - once he'd calmed down that is. 

 

Because of the hot nights we'd been having, he'd come to burgle me wearing shorts. Silky skimpy ones they were too. Nice. I could imagine his butt clenching anxiously in them as he tried to figure out a way to escape before the cops arrived. 

 

 

 

Time went by and he tried various other ways to get out before it dawned on him (slowly) that the only way was to persuade me to unlock the door. I was so taken by his confusion that I'd started taking pictures of him. We had a little scuffle then as he tried to force me to stop, but I'm a big bloke and he wasn't much of a fighter and soon discovered I was no push-over. 

 

So the wait went on and on and he sprawled on the settee cockily, becoming more and more confident that his mask concealed his identity and that the Police were not going to come anyway. 

By now it was beginning to get light.

 

That was when I addressed him using his name. That made him sit up. 

How could I know that?

 

 

It was pure luck that I'd seen him larking around with his mates in the coffee shop round the corner a few days earlier. It's possible they were in the area specifically to case my joint. Loud young men, but nice enough to look at. So I looked at them and I listened and before long I had caught most of the nick names they used with each other. So when I addressed Dino (my reluctant guest) using his, he was understandably shocked. All the more so when I also insinuated that I knew someone in his family. I didn't, but he wasn't to know that. 

 

He looked at me and my incriminating camera very hard indeed now. I had to hand it to him, he didn't just cave in, I could see he was thinking of having another go at me to force his way out. It was time to give him an easier option. Sort of. I suggested I might just let him go, if he lifted his shirt for me.

 

 

 

 

 

'Shirt-lifter' is a loaded term in this neck of the woods. He looked at me again and this time I know he was thinking, "this guy's a pervert!" That was Fair enough, I am. I could have have him in a naked hog-tie by now if I'd wanted, but inducing voluntary submission is more interesting when you've time on your hands. 

 

Anyway Dino thought he'd found a weakness he could exploit, but he couldn't figure out how, except by doing as I had asked. So gingerly he lifted his tee shirt. The wary look in his eyes betrayed an inner anxiety about baring his flesh to me and that gave me a bit of a thrill. I have to say I was very pleasantly surprised by what he revealed too. Better than might have been expected given that silly hat he had on. 

By pure good luck, just that at that moment, a siren could be heard outside, getting closer. His eyes shot to the window and he froze providing me with a nice abs twist and a look of dismay that was priceless. 

He wasn't half so cocky now. 

 

"Don't worry, Dino" I said. "If you've got your shorts down when they knock, I won't let them in".

You should have seen the look he gave me then, he was flummoxed by my brazen offer.

 

"Just show me your ass Dino" I added in the friendliest tone I could manufacture "and I'll tell them you managed to get away from me".

 

His look was pure hatred, but slowly he turned and lowered his shorts.

I have to say than the sight of him dejectedly kneeling to show me his backside was truly a moment to savour and my camera was chattering with excitement too, busily sealing his fate.

 

"Marty would love this" I remarked casually. Marty was one of his mates in the Coffee Shop.

He shot me a look of utter panic, unable to comprehend how I knew about Marty too.

"You wouldn't....!." he gasped

"Just co-operate" I replied, " get your shorts off and I might even give you a tip for your trouble."

The possibility of payment for this humiliation, somehow made it OK in his scheming mind.

He climbed out of his shorts and I took them and tossed them into a distant corner.

This was great, Dino wasn't going anywhere, soon I'd have him eating out of my hand, like a pet.

 

In fact, I even managed to get him to kneel on top of a table like a performing dog.....

 

 

.......and then sprawling on my settee like a baby.

 

All the while keeping up the ludicrous pretence that his cap and mask would preserve his anonymity.

It was fun persuading him to take up provocative positions and seeing how close I could get.

 

~

 

Anyway, eventually the Police did turn up. Oh yes, it hadn't been a bluff at all.

By that time I'd got poor Dino totally naked and he was understandably terrified.

 That was how I got him into my bed. 

He hid there under the sheets while they searched for clues.

I told the cops it was my wife, who was ill.

 

After they'd gone Dino was so relieved he had to relieve himself!

He hadn't got the gumption to resist my camera any more. 

What happened after that?

Well, that is between him and me.

 

~

 

Images of Matthew Attard courtesy of Bentley Race

This story is pure fiction of course and the model is just an actor in it.  

I'm sure he's not a rogue at all, just shy.

 

For more 'Rogues' or more silly 'Hats', click on the labels below

The Looks that say 'Christmas Came Early This Year'

For anyone who is alone, or feels alone this Christmas

Santa seems to occupy a  parallel, elastic, time continuum on Christmas Eve

giving him enough time to deliver presents to all the boys and girls in the world.

But it's still a pretty hectic schedule, so he must feel a bit rushed sometimes.
A bit like an NHS Doctor I suppose.

He likes to give all the deserving, gay boys exactly what they ask for.
(partly to dispell those nasty rumours about him and Rudolph)

But the trouble is they all want the same thing, every year,
so it's understandable if it doesn't always come out quite as intended.
Particularly when the 'wish list' is a tattoo and it's presented like this.

There's a get out clause though.
The recipient is not really supposed to be awake when Santa cums.
So that makes him a bad boy really, not a good boy. 
But at least he got something for staying up.
The last lad on Santa's list may find there's nothing left in the sack.
Well, Santa's only human!

This is 'Look' No 15, for others click on the label below.

It's also an addendum to 'Silly Hat' No 10
Actually, the jaunty angle almost rescues it from being silly.
It's floppy tip is particularly poignant in this sad scene.
(click on 'Hats' label below for more Silly Hats)

Photo credit: Ace Era and Dylan James from Lucas Entertainment

Bareass Blogs No 27

Bareass Buffoonery & Bulky Buttocks on the Beach

"Does my bum look big in this?"
 
Go to No 28
.

View Bareass series from No 1

Also entered in my 'Ministry of Silly Hats' series as No 12
(click on 'Hats' in label list below)

Ministry of Silly Hats - 11 Pirate Scarf

The headscarf has a noble tradition as improvised headwear.
It's frequently associated in popular culture with pirates and brigands so you'd think it would impart something of that renegade panache to any wearer, not least Cody Cummings.

 Apparently not. 

At least not when it's worn with a less-than-fierce coy 'come-on' look.

I can't help adding that headscarves are also associated with washer women

 but perhaps that's being too unfair

I am happy to admit that Cody model achieves considerably better results

 with his underwear which greatly rewards close inspection.

I've always put this model in the 'God's Gift Brigade' on account of the fact that he spends more time looking at the camera than the men he's posing with, even when he's being intimately serviced by them. So it's not entirely unexpected to find him partnering a mirror and making a bit of a fool of himself with his headgear.

(I usually blame the photographer for these faux pas but as a 'Star' model, I imagine this chap's not obliged to follow all those dictates, so he is probably equally culpable here!).

I also mentioned the headscarf as a silly hat in a previous dispatch when it is shown being worn by a wedge victim. Conflating that image with the ones above creates a rather satisfying fantasy.

One that's probably not worthy of me, but never mind.

For more 'God's Gift' Candidates click on the label below

For more silly hats click on 'hats'

Ministry of Silly Hats - 10 Santa's Gift

This post is dedicated to anyone who is alone,

 or feels alone this Christmas and I hope it cheers your day!

 

Nothing personal Frank, but I doubt that anyone could look sexy in a Santa Hat

Even Frank himself looks very doubtful here.

Maybe he's putting his faith in that smouldering look,

or is it just that he came down the chimney,
 while the fire was still alight?

 

Oh dear! You'd think the photographer would say, 

"Hey, Frank, just tilt the hat back or to one side. Give it a rakish look"

But no, he's opted for pulling it right down over the ears.

(That skinny belt's doing some peculiar things too!) 

 To give him credit, Frank looks pretty cross now.

Well, at least the hat doesn't resemble a male organ tip like hat No 9 did.

No, this one's red, floppy, with hair around the base......

No, perhaps we'll abandon that chain of thought!

 

Ah! Thank goodness that's over! 

Now we pro's can get back to some proper man-posing 

out in the open air with a chunky rubber accessory, 

That's more like it! 

Great pose Frank, reputation restored.


There's another Christmassy theme in Silly Hat No 6, 
for other silly hats, click on the 'hats' label below

The Ministry of Silly Hats - 9 Cowboy

Of course it's not the hat itself that's silly, the cowboy hat is a revered icon of the gay identity.

(Unfortunately this particular one bears a remarkable resemblance 
to the business end of a certain part of a man's anatomy).

Nor would anyone cast aspersions at the model, Adam Ayash,
a stalwart of underwear filling exercises,
who presents his best front for us (and UnderGear!)
in spite of the photographer's efforts to make him look silly. 

A simple tilt of the hat would suffice to redeem the situation,

I'm sure the photographer knew that.

There's a nicer shot of Adam straddling a bicycle in tiny shorts 

at my gateway blog

For other silly hats click on the hats label below

Ministry of Silly Hats - 8 Furry Ears

 Well, I suppose it's a good joke to juxtapose 'hot' and cold in the same picture, 

but it's hard to get excited over a man who doesn't remove his hat for sex. 

Perhaps it's for that long trek to the unheated bathroom! 

(Model and Studio not known)

 'Winter' by Seva Galkin

The title probably refers to the model's reaction when he found out what he was wearing for the shoot. Humiliating handsome models (à la mitchmen) seems to be becoming an international pastime. No wonder he's groping for his rosary for comfort!
... and what are the guys down the pub going to say?

Still, looking on the bright side,
someone from Disney might give him a role in the next 'Ice Age' movie.

 Jordan Miles by Gilles Crofta

Same trap, different hat, but Jordan's toughing it out, putting on his best catwalk stare.

 Actually the great coat, skillfully aligned with the line of the ear flaps, 

showcases Jordan's body absurdly well and makes this image slightly less silly. 

No sillier than the D&G underpants anyway, who designed that garment?

 Matt Carlin by Gilles Crofta

An even frostier reaction from Matt Carlin, it seems. 

As a modern man, he's no doubt aware that ink and droopy ears are not 'on trend' right now. 

Adding a pilot's helmet on top of the fur hat was the last straw,
Like wearing a double condom, more is sometimes less.

That sulky crossed arm pose is doing wonders for his pecs though.
Just imagine someone has just walked into the room with a whip.

 Nick Wolanski by Gilles Crofta

Gilles is a serial offender in the Court of Silly Hats but this image is redeemed by the erotic adaptation of a humble vest into a very sweaty, sexy garment indeed. I can recall similar experimentation in my youth, improvising a leotard from the utilitarian underwear supplied by my mother. It felt as good to me then as it looks on Nick here. Would that I had such thighs! Once again the colour olive demonstrates it's power to flatter the flesh
(search on 'olive' for more articles on this subject).

 

photo by Ron Reyes

Russian troops seem to enjoy opulent barracks these days!

Rumour has it that this was a prototype "invisibility hat", a concept pioneered by Wagner in 'Das Rheingold' and extremely useful when invading neighbouring countries.

As you can see, it doesn't work.

Only joking Mister P. No need to send in the troops!

Not, that is, unless they are all like this chap..........

In deference to my many readers from the frosty, Eastern end of Europe, 

I must admit that the furry hat is an entirely sensible item of outdoor, winter clothing

 and a useful addition to the erotic toy box, but please not on the head! 

Let us hope that peace, fairness and good sense will prevail in  the Ukraine.

Ministry of Silly Hats - 7 The Bowler

Jesse Santana bowled over

I quite enjoy looking at Jesse Santana, He carries more iron-mongery and tattoos than I like, but he flashes a delightful, boyish look sometimes and seems to have a flair for athletic, erotic, body acting that few porn actors can match (see below). My mild hero-worship took a bit of a jolt, however, when he was filmed a little while ago wearing this undignified, bowler hat.

The bowler is pretty much a vanished species, although it still turns up in Fosse-type, dance musicals and occasionally on the catwalk as an accessory to conjure up the respectable City Gent, in order to sell some mildly racy item of clothing, like garish Bermuda shorts.

Ministry Man

As far as I am concerned, however, the bowler indelibly represents middle-aged, grey, overweight and utterly un-sexy City Bankers in suits infused with cigarette smoke and other unpleasant smells. Dogmatic Men from the Ministry too, as immortalised in John Cleese's “Ministry of Silly Walks” (whose inspiration for this series I happily acknowledge!).

But sexy? No.

 D.O. Examines Marc Dylan's accounts

I thought a gentleman was supposed to remove his hat when entering! 

These video stills come from Raging Stallion's video 'Cockwork'. The title is an allusion to “Clockwork Orange” of course, which (together with Oddjob in 'Goldfinger') gifted this hat an element of menace, but it also restated the traditional connection with clowning. Thankfully the studio did not inflict this equally un-sexy indignity on Jesse and his colleagues, although the poor loves did have to wear bright orange knee-pads. Health and Safety. Ho hum!

Jesse interviewed by Dominic Sol

From, 'Suited for Sex' by the same studio, this still shows how city attire can be sexy, although the blue shirt is a trifle loud. Jesse gives us his confused, young innocent look as a searching interview gets personal.

Jesse Santana rides again in Cowboys

No innocence here! An nice example of Jesse's body-art athleticism from Raging Stallion's 'Cowboys' with Tom Wolfe. This image succeeds in being beautiful and romantic as well as sexy.

Back to the bowler. This effort by Kevin McDermott actually comes a lot closer to the spirit of Clockwork Orange. You can mentally flip this image from tomfoolery to menace by focussing on the face and teeth. If this chap was your boyfriend you might think it sexy, but whether the bowler really contributes anything to that feeling is debatable!

For other posts in this series, click on 'hats' in the label list below

Chaz 2 - Not So Dodgy

 In my last post I mercilessly poked fun at the way Chaz is presented in some of his beefcake shoots for Randy Blue. Of course, in true tabloid style, I chose the most suitable images to create humourous effect. Today's selection, taken from the same sets show a different side and I must admit I find it fascinating how this man's masculinity and his inner boyishness asserts itself in his pictures despite the distractions of odd clothing, accessories and other stuff.

5a

Chaz gets away with his beany here. Purists might quibble about mixing leather with wool but we'll let that go. Lets face it, leather headgear is a bit of a stones and greenhouses situation! This is a nice 'blokey' pose and the T-shirt shows off wide, manly shoulders. I'm a big fan of chaps and Chaz deserves credit for wearing a pair that actually look as though they fit him. The slender strap squeezing down between his butt cheeks is great!

 5b

See what I mean about boyishness? He's not a baby any more though and those chunky thighs emerging from their snug leather sleeves look excellent. It's what chaps are for!

 6a

Chaz's pecs show real meaty bulk in this picture from the pool series and smooth, well defined abs as well. The sleeveless tank top is unobtrusive now and I confess to a fascination with the oversize underwear which I presume has stretched out with the wetness.

 6b

Also from the pool series. The open-ness of the pose is like a ropeless bondage picture. 
The white deposits on the pool edge have been used by the photographer
 to add spicy innuendo for us pervs!

7a

Chaz looks so much better when he just relaxes. I love his sticky-out ears, despite the stud, although I think it probably accentuates them, which Chaz I imagine would hate! The clothing requires no cultural translation to do it's job here, the immaculate newness will work for some but a grungier well-used jockstrap would have provided an interesting contrast.

 7b

The boy within the man comes out to play. 
This is a really nice picture, relaxed and cheekily erotic.
 Even if you're not a socks fan they contribute a touch of informality and spontenaity. 

 

8a

I have to admit defeat with this sheer top but it does make his biceps look great!

I like the wide strong neck too. 

 8b

The boy surfaces again in this shot, there's some nice youthful shaping but I'm not sure what's going on with that ballustrade support visible between his legs!

Next time, an even spunkier Chaz.

Chaz 1 - Dodgy Gear

 

A little while ago I featured 'Chaz' and his beany in an early Ministry of Silly Hats article. 

 Chaz has got form for wearing dodgy gear, such as this tank top and shades.

We've probably all had moments when we've pouted like this....
(generally without the Bet Lynch ear-rings) 
....but not been unfortunate enough to have it captured for posterity.

You'll gather I'm not overly intimate with my feminine side, 
but I'll settle for the butt hugging wet underpants in this picture.

As a Brit I probably view this outfit through unsympathetic eyes, the sporting associations don't work for me. I don't get the striped pants (even in the rump view) and the 'pop-up' baseball cap, beloved of American tourists everywhere, surely qualifies for a 'silly hats' article in it's own right. 

I feel I ought to like the mesh 'top' but somehow, no. Does it even belong in this combo?

The mesh garment featured in this outfit makes an equally odd bedfellow with the loose fitting trousers, but it's sheer, body hugging form does at least show off Chaz's muscular arms. 

I rather like the slightly boyish profile of his face captured in this image 

If I'm honest, even in this unflattering collection of pictures there's plenty of man to admire.
(if I just don't think about the luxuriant lashes!)

In my next post I'll show the other side of Chaz and you'll see what I mean.

Ministry of Silly Hats - 6 Elfin Gear

Alex by John Clum

(courtesy of Beautiful Magazine)

In the media world August is usually reckoned to be the silly season but Christmas is tops for silly hats. Alex here is one of Santa's elves and he looks very happy about it doesn't he? Whether it's the long working hours, the sticky rock down his pants that's to blame or the outfit he's had to put on I don't know. To be fair, John Clum, the photographer, describes this (group of pictures) as Christmas satire, which licences just about anything I suppose. Fortunately, mitchmen folk enjoy seeing a manly-looking man put in his place, especially one who clearly has a very sexy body. That clingy top is very flattering and, surprisingly, so is the star shaped collar, but the droopy hat - oh dear.

Alex by Eden Photography

You wouldn't imagine that the picture above, by Eden Photography, is the same model. 

So cute! I feel quite guilty for enjoying his discomfort now. (Not really).

Alex by Orlando Vivas

This image by Orlando Vivas evokes emotions of an entirely different nature, 

Alex's nicely sculpted body is showcased beautifully by the olive coloured clothing. 

It's a shade that I find very sexy on some models. I don't know whether it's down to the way it complements the skin colour or perhaps the military overtones.

 Cynics may think it's just the plunging cut of those splendidly-elasticated underpants and they could be right. Oddly enough this picture also reveals elfin-like qualities in his face which completely vanish in John Clum's Christmas picture. Never mind, if you check out John's listing you'll find plenty of interesting and sexy pictures of Alex and other models. 

My thanks to him and other photographers featured here.

For other posts in this series, click on 'hats' in the label list below

Ministry of Silly Hats - 5 The Cloth Cap

Edu Boxer

The cloth cap used to be almost universal, 

equally at home on the heads of working men trudging to the pit 

and tweeded aristocrats killing defenceless animals on the moors. 

Nowadays, it is also picked up and plugged periodically by the fashion trade. 

Suave it may be, chic too perhaps, if worn at a suitable angle, 

but it's hardly the garment of choice for a beefcake shoot 

as Edu Boxer proves in this this moment of indignity, 

provided courtesy of 'Unzipped magazine'

Pretentious? - moi?

I was always told, never put your hands on your hips when throwing a tantrum, it looks camp. Perhaps Edu is protesting his maltreatment? 

Maybe he wants to keep the hat on for the whole shoot?

Edu Boxer looking great

Thankfully the hat is jettisoned and the result is this glorious image 

which you probably already know. 

A sublime example of clothes maketh man sexy.

Edu Misbehaving

I'll let Edu present his full chunky credentials. 

I understand why he's wearing boots and nothing else 

but why he's standing on the bed in them is anyone's guess. 

His mum won't thank him for it!

For other posts in this series, click on 'hats' in the lable list below