This post is especially dedicated to anyone who is alone
or feels alone this Christmas
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| photo: Snooty Fox |
Jamie always likes a 'lie in' on Christmas day, keeping out of the way of the kids.
But his Mum got him out of bed this year, to take one of her puddings round to Aunt 'Lil.
Jamie decided to go in his car, deliver it, come straight back and jump into bed again,
That meant he didn't need to get properly dressed, just put on an overcoat.
Unfortunately he balanced the pud on his lap to keep it safe, while hurrying there.
and taking a speed hump too fast, resulted in a sudden close encounter with holly and cream.
It spoiled his puddings (and his new overcoat).
When Aunt 'Lil saw what a state he was in, she said it was a godsend
that she'd bought him a nice pair of colourful pyjamas as his present.
He could put them on to go back in and impress the neighbours.
(Aunt 'Lil' is colour-blind and Jamie doesn't actually wear pyjamas
but his Mum will make sure he writes a proper 'Thank You' note).
Jamie wasn't exactly thrilled either, with his girlfriend's present of lacy underwear.
She'd probably want him to wear them and nothing else when he thanked her for the gift.
But it's what might follow afterwards that really worried him.
They weren't as skimpy as the ones his last girlfriend gave him,
they were completely open at the back.
Jamie still gets cold shivers remembering the chase round the garden
and the roasting she gave him when she caught him.
That involved holly and cream too.
~
Jamie's family always sit down together after dinner to listen to the Queen's speech
After that Uncle Fred usually makes them all play party games, like charades and
that one where you have a sticker put on your forehead and guess what it says.
Most of Jamie's family don't know their Napoleons from their Julius Caesars
and Mum got terribly embarrassed one year when she was supposed to be Madonna,
Dad started giving her rather naughty clues about cones and things.
So now they always base the game on family traits, like 'Mum's always knitting'.
It's just as embarrassing, but great fun - when it's not you with the sticker on your head.
As usual Jamie was baffled by his 'trait' and after about 100 incorrect guesses
Uncle Fred decided he ought to give him an easy clue.
He meant to say "it's what your Mum always makes you do"
What he actually said "it's what your girlfriend always makes you do".
Well, all of a sudden it all went very quiet.
But Jamie was thinking and suddenly thought about having to wear those lacy knickers,
so he tentatively put his hand inside his jeans and looked at GF for confirmation
She just went bright red, got up and stormed out in a huff.
Jamie was philosophical afterwards, "I wouldn't have got it anyway" he said ambiguously
and at least he wouldn't have to put on those lacy underpants that night.
~
After all the upset Jamie decided he'd sneak off to the annex, get rid of those lacy undies
and have a bit of a nap to sleep off his giant Christmas Dinner with wine and pudding
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| photo: Luis Rafael |
Needless to say, the kids soon missed their Uncle Jamie and sought him out to play.
Unable to rouse him from his alcoholic slumber they soon thought of other mischief.
The youngest girl got a face painting kit this year, the boys tried to get her to use it on Jamie.
But she took fright at his nakedness and ran off crying, leaving the boys to try it out themselves
The result was a charmingly expressed, perfectly genuine tribute to Jamie and his muscles.
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| photo Simon Barnes |
Jamie woke up blurry-eyed two hours later and stumbled groggily into the living room.
Mum immediately laughed and told him to make himself look decent
Dad told him to get out of the way of the TV where 007 was causing mayhem.
Granny remarked that he looked just like
Kevin Clifton from 'Strictly'
The boys smugly pointed out that Superman wore his pants over the top of tights
Then they kept on afterwards giggling at private jokes about
telephone boxes
But Jamie didn't get it at all - not until his shower the following morning.
When the red ink started running down his chest he thought he'd cut himself.
When he realised what it was, called out to the boys
to let them know how funny he thought it was.
~
It's one of Jamie's Christmas jobs to take the kids out for a walk on Boxing Day.
Of course the boys kept ribbing him about being 'Super Jamie'
and he kept complaining about how the paint wouldn't come off.
When they got to the Park, they stopped to watch the models on the boating lake
Jamie was still grumbling about having to wash again, so the boys pushed him in.
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| photo: Luis aRfael |
Jamie thought it was a hilarious joke, although the water was a bit cold.
and it was a long walk home in a biting wind too,
but Jamie didn't mind, he was a good sport And he didn't want to spoil
the kid's traditional outing to the Pantomime that evening.
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| photo Simon Barnes |
It's the family tradition to dress up for the panto, Mum usually gets the costumes.
But Jamie's sister did it this year, she found a cute Captain Hook outfit for him
and made him pose in it for Instagram, insisting Pirates don't wear underpants.
Jamie is used to being teased by his sister, but the messages he got back were scary.
Several people with names like Shark1958 said they wanted to eat him.
He's just hoping his girlfriend doesn't see the pictures,
she'd make him wear the tights for a role play - and probably tear them.
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| Instagram from Bondi Beach |
One Christmas Jamie tried to get away from it all, by visiting his cousin, down under.
Of course he never thought about packing a sun hat and got burned.
Jeffrey lent him one but Jamie felt a bit foolish wearing it
'cos all the Aussies on the beach could go bare-headed.
But several guys came up to him and told him he looked really cute.
He lost count of how many asked to undo the ribbon on his Christmas package.
Jeffrey said he'd get it out and give it to him when they got home.
NB 'Bondi' photo is Jase Dean and James Cohen, but I haven't ID'd the photographer
for more Xmas nonsense click on the label at the foot of the post
~
This principal model for this article's illustrations is the hunky Jase Dean.
Obviously my text is entirely fictional
It's not intended to suggest anything about his character or his family
and any resemblance to him or them is completely unintentional
but I'm hoping he is a good sport!
Jase is the subject of my latest 'Hunk Hunt' (
continues in Part 2)
(click on 'hunk' label below for earlier ones)
